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I’ve been awfully quiet this year. You don’t have to tell me.
I never thought I would be one of those bloggers to go silent for months at a time with barely a peep. But I also never really expected this past year to be what it has been.
We started out the year with the passing of my grandfather. He was 96 years old – losing him was not a surprise, but that does not mean that we have missed him any less this year. He was one of the kindest, gentlest souls that this Earth has ever known. We feel his absence deeply, especially with Christmas approaching.
In February we lost our precious Alma girl. I will never apologize for loving my animals fiercely; I am lucky to have married a man who feels the same. Losing her so suddenly truly knocked us off our collective axis. We still miss her every day.
And then we hit June. Oh, June.
In June my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV triple negative breast cancer. Even as a writer, I don’t really have the words to verbalize our lives since June. If you’ve been a long-time reader, you may remember that Momma beat colon cancer two years ago. Surgery and done. Cured (aside from annual colonoscopies to watch for new polyps). Stressful and scary, but ultimately short and (relatively speaking) easy. These past few months have been a wholly new experience, and not one I would wish on anyone.
I don’t know that I can even properly summarize the past 5+ months and all that has happened, so instead I’ll tell you where she is at now. She had a double mastectomy in late October and has healed wonderfully from that. Unfortunately, the cancer is aggressive and had already metastasized to her bones by the time she was diagnosed, so it is still an uphill battle. She began her next steps in treatment a couple of weeks ago, with a new team of doctors at Mayo Clinic behind her. Surgery was a big hurdle to cross, but she still has a long journey ahead of her. Our family has a long journey ahead of us. We appreciate any love and prayers you can send our way.
And quietly in the background, like a song you desperately want to get out of your head, one other challenge has been lurking for Alex and me – infertility. Oh, what a word to find myself writing. It is socially acceptable to talk about loss. It’s socially acceptable to talk about cancer. Even if people have not experienced those things directly, they can recall someone in their lives who has; they are quick to empathize.
Even in 2016, no one talks about infertility. The silence is almost deafening. And somehow the silence causes those of us who are in the midst of the battle to continue to stay quiet. We don’t say anything for fear of making others uncomfortable. We are riding an emotional rollercoaster with almost no concrete answers from doctors and we are riding it by ourselves, save for our partners and perhaps a few select close friends and family. It’s a lonely place to exist.
It’s that loneliness, coupled with the stress of everything else that’s happened this year, that has made me quiet here. I haven’t known what to say – so I haven’t said anything. I can’t say that I have processed any of what has been happening in our lives in the past several months. Far from it. Most days I feel like I am barely holding it together. But I feel like I cannot continue to stay silent. Silence does not help. Silence only perpetuates the loneliness.
Maybe someday soon I’ll find myself able to share new recipes here again. Those who follow me on Facebook know that I certainly still have one foot in the blogging world. Perhaps soon I’ll find myself able to dive in fully again.
But for now I hand you my heart, laid bare and wounded. I ask you for grace – for me for being so quiet for so many months, but also for those around you.
Remember that you never know what battle someone is facing. Be a friend. Be a safe space.
So much love,
-S
I decided that no one wants photos related to loss, cancer OR infertility. So I decided to just share some unrelated photos from my Instagram feed. who doesn’t want to look at our dog being embarrassed by a bath??
About Stephie
Stephie is the creator of Stephie Cooks, a food blog that focuses on creating memories around the food we share, with family recipes at the site’s heart. Stephie lives in Central Illinois with her husband, daughter, and a menagerie of cats and dogs. When she’s not in the kitchen or at her computer writing, you can usually find her curled up with a book or working on one of her many grandma-esque hobbies. Learn more >
You’ll come out much stronger after all these struggles. There are always miracles. Never lose your hope. Believe that everything happens happens for a reason and happens for your own good, eventually, even if we do not see it rightaway.
Thank you. At a time when everyone around us seems to be popping ’em out and blithely asking if and when we’ll have kids, it’s a comfort to read something – anything – about someone else’s experience.
Oh, Noelle. You’d think in 2016 we would be past asking other people when they’re going to have kids. And we’re at the perfect age where half of our friends are having their first and the other have have moved on to #2 (or sometimes even more!) – I know what it’s like to want to poke your eyes out from seeing yet another pregnancy announcement on social media. Sending you so much love.
May God watch over you and Alex and your Mom –he walks beside you every step and he sometimes carries you through the toughest battles so you are not alone. Prayers and hugs to you and Alex and your Mom and family. Thank you for sharing this with everyone who loves your site and know we all love you
Sending so much love to you and your family. I’m so glad you decided to speak your pain into this space. I know writing on the Internet can feel like throwing your words into the sky, but know that they’re hitting me here in my very real living room in my very real heart. I have two other friends who are dealing with infertility right now. As my friend shared earlier this week on Facebook, “I’ve decided that the stigma around infertility and pregnancy loss is bullshit. I’m not going to isolate myself any further. ” <<<This. You're not alone, and your willingness to share will give others who are struggling the same courage to share. <3 <3
She put it perfectly! Love to you and prayers for your friends.
Oh, what a year. Prayers for your Mom. She sounds like quite the warrior. And I have been through the lonely world of infertility. After 6 years, countless procedures, and 5 losses, I had my beautiful son last month. It was a long road, but my miracle boy is here. Please don’t ever give up, and as weird as this sounds, have faith that your child will find you when they are ready. I truly hope & believe 2017 will be good to you. Sending hugs!
Congrats to you on your miracle child. Give him a big squeeze. So glad you got your miracle!
I love you for being so brave and vulnerable at the same time by posting this. I wish we lived closer. Many text messages to come! ????
Oh, Stephie. So much love and grace to your family. This is a tough season no doubt, but with the kind of love I’ve seen in your family, you guys are going to pull through it! I have so much love for you guys, and you’re always the top of our prayer list <3 <3 <3
Call if you ever need anything. Love you
My prayers are with you and your family during this time of trial. Keep your faith and family close and muddle through the holidays as best you are able. Let us help carry your burdens with daily prayers.
I have prayed for you and your mother. You are right. We nearly all can relate to loss on some level. As for your silence, I remember, many years ago now, when I announced to a group of girlfriends that I was pregnant–I instantly felt that something was off. It turned out I was the only one of us who hadn’t had fertility trouble. My friends were honest about how difficult this struggle is. I have been careful ever since to guard my mouth. I use the word “if” not “when” whenever the subject of babies comes up. Each of my friends had a different journey to travel with different outcomes. You are right, we need to look at others with thoughtful eyes, kind hearts, and gentle words.
Sending love. Infertility is so isolating and hard. Ive been there. Praying for you